I remember sitting in my small room in Auckland back in 2014. I was crying and telling my old friend some of the things I’d been through in the years of our friendship that I never talked about. I remember so clearly, as her voice said back to me “I’m sorry we left you out.” Somehow, it was not enough, even til today. Friendship is something I deeply struggle with. The level of trust I have with people and the ability to be completely myself is something that I’ve never disclosed to any friend. I’m tired of people who leave other people out, and not realise how hurtful it is. Not ever realising how much we are really going through inside ourselves.
However, I am grateful. I am grateful for realising how different I am to most people. At the time you didn’t realise it, but you kept me behind. I was too deep for minds that don’t want to wander in rough waters. For those who have always felt different to other people, you are the people that made me truly realise this. Being the one that has always been left out, made me realise how the friends that I will cherish for the rest of my life, will be very few. But they will be worth it. Being left out, also made me realise how a small part of it was also due to myself. I didn’t want to always be in the conversations, and another part of me was dying in the inside with so much pain. I felt suffocated that I had no one to talk about it to. Being the one who was left out, made me realise how much people don’t care. Many people don’t care. Time passes, but memories stay. The feeling that each of you gave me still stays.
Most of you had your own best friends. Most of you had a strong family that were together. Most of you were outgoing and talkative. Yet, I wasn’t. I was quiet and different. Most people don’t make effort to talk to people who are quiet. Especially when they feel they cannot read them. It’s because as I mentioned before, I don’t like showing my true self to people I hardly know. Even when they were my friends, I hardly knew them and they hardly knew me. I want to thank each of you for allowing me today, to accept that I am an introverted soul. To accept that at the time I had depression and suicidal thoughts. Because none of you knew that. I pretended to smile and wear a mask, yet the grey cloud followed me. Next time you meet a friend that is going through a hard time – please give them a hug and don’t leave them out.
I write this as a reflection of my teen years. They were one of the hardest years I’d ever faced. There are many situations til today that still affect me, because of events that happened during those years. They taught me some of the biggest lessons in my life.